When I started talking about my love life in Chapter I and II of this series, everyone thought I was joking about the world peace. As a reminder, I’m not joking about the world peace. The reason is simple: If we want to think about world peace, we need to think about interhuman relationships. And the best way to investigate human relationships…is by taking the most difficult relationship between 2 human beings: The Romantic Relationship.
To help achieve world peace with my Vertical Farming quest, I have been experimenting with polyamory. For the past 3 years people have been thinking that I’m crazy, others thought I was awesome, and others thought I was just being amoral.
But that didn’t really matter. The truth is that I had no fucking clue what exactly I was doing…but I did know why I was doing it: I question life, I question love, I question as much as I can bear, all in the name of becoming and being my best self.
So to kickstart this chapter – what did I learn from my polyamorous experiences?
Polyamory seems great. Seeing 3 girls at the same time just sounds awesome, especially if you can boast about it to your buddies. The only thing you don’t boast about so easily, is when you feel shit when those girls are also seeing other guys and in that way, are bringing up your deepest insecurities.
Conversations in my head (not with my buddies) sometimes went like this:
Zjef 1: Am I not enough? Why does she need to see someone else?
Zjef 2: Dude, you’re also seeing other girls, I could ask you the same question
Zjef 1: I know you’re right… but still…Why does it hurt? Why do I feel like I’m being betrayed?
Zjef: 2: Why are you so insecure? Just focus on what you want, don’t let it get into your head.
Zjef 1: But it hurts…
Zjef 2: Shut it…feelings are guidelines, not truths…
Zjef 1: But…
Zjef 2: SHUT IT…focus on your breath….breath in….breath out…
Obviously Zjef 2 is suppressing a feeling that needs to be listened to because it’s a fundamental insecurity: the feeling of not being good enough. This core self-doubt has caused many toxic situations in many of my relationships, be it romantic, friendly or professional.
People that have been around me during my past 31 years have witnessed this first hand.
How? Well, I’m glad you asked.
So we’re in this meeting about…let’s say…starting a commonly owned vertical farm that wants to use waste as a resource to grow mushrooms. And you know, we want to build and organise this because our current industrial capitalism just doesn’t seem to be able to deal so well with our pending ecological disasters and social injustices. Of course, you’re still in the current economic climate and everyone still needs to eat, shit and get a roof over their head. And… unfortunately you can’t just jump out of this madness and create utopia in the blink of an eye.
Hence, when you’re all about changing the world, and you have a problem with feeling that you yourself are not good enough, you also project that on all other things.
Whatever is being discussed in the meeting…it’s never fucking good enough. And when, as a perfectionist, you break down every idea on the table, others also break down your ideas…and if that makes you feel betrayed because you take it very personal…the whole thing turns sideways, everybody starts disliking each other and even with all the good intentions in the world, the project just doesn’t happen.
You already see where the world peace comes in? Good! But first back to Polyamory.
So fundamentally I was insecure and that turned me into a shitty asshole on many occasions (be it romantic or professional). Yet being an asshole is a lonely endeavor, so you create this other type of personality born out of the same insecurity. That special personality that avoids conflict and makes sure as much people as possible like you. Yes indeed: The Nice guy!
So, bipolar as I was, I kept on jumping between being an asshole and a nice guy. And because of that, relationships never really gave me the fulfillment that I needed….because how could they? I didn’t feel good enough for the world, so no girlfriend could be good enough either.
Even if my girlfriend would have been Ariana Grande, I still probably would have thought she was just not satisfying my needs, as I wanted to be treated like a prince (I say “probably” because she has a lot of money and could possibly make that happen. But then again, why would Ariana Grande want to be with a self-absorbed cunt like that?).
In short – Polyamory was for me the fastest way to let out the asshole and the nice guy at the same time. Luckily, as polyamory is no place for insecure little boys, it gave me such a high understanding of myself that, slowly slowly, I called the asshole AND the nice guy both on their bullshit… And in the end, after 3 years of experimenting, feeling and thinking, I finally found peace and the recipe of living a fulfilled and happy life.
So what is it? The recipe of living the fulfilled and happy life?
I guess it’s still the same as what I started this chapter with: I have no fucking clue what exactly it is that I’m doing…but I’m sure that I am going to limit as much as possible, my time spent as an insecure asshole or nice guy,
To conclude this chapter:
Love…still have no clue what it’s about. I think it’s founded on self-love,…whatever that means.
Polyamory – have no clue if it’s wrong or right… What I do know that it’s a lot of fun as long as you want and can handle the double edged sword.
Peace…well, I think that’s just the level of congruency in everything you do, say and feel (got this one from Gandhi).
World Peace – that would be all 7,653,219,391 people (and counting) being at peace with themselves without fucking each other over to keep it. How to organise this? Well, this might be a good subject for the next chapter?