I’m a big fan of succes stories, motivational video’s and the idea that feeling strong and confident about reaching your goal actually helps you to reach your goal. But still I’m just a normal boy with a lot of insecurities and at this moment I’m as human as I can possibly be. Yes, I’m scared as fucking shit.

You know that feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you’re in love? Well, at the moment it feels like they have died of cancer and are being dissolved very very slowly by and exuberant amount of stomach acid.

It hurts.

People tell me a lot that I look chill and relaxed all the time. Yeah, true, I’m pretty relaxed and cool most of the time. Yet I’m also extremely good at hiding my stress, anger, and fear. And when these feelings become too strong, I numb myself out by running away from the things that cause the pain. Hence, I am all relaxed and chill again.

Not caring about the things that cause the pain is an easy way to deal with it, yet is the right way?

Of course not. Let’s hit it head on, the earth-bending way.

earthaang
Yes Indeed, Avatar!

At the moment my fear wants to keep me from writing this blog post, yet I push myself to do it anyway in 2 steps. First I just simply ask myself: “What can possibly go wrong?”. My imagination is quite good, yet it cannot come up with a decently good story where I’ll die or lose an arm because I’m writing this blog post. Second: I focus on the task of writing this blog post, finding enjoyment while doing so.

So, reason and focus help me to deal with my fear head on. However, is it enough?

I’m focussing on writing this post with the knowledge that it’s not going to kill me, yet my body doesn’t seem to want to follow. The fire in my stomach is still raging and my body still wants to run away because focussing on writing this blog post requires me to focus on my feelings, which is fear!

jonz0

So, maybe getting to the bottom of this thing will help me. Where does all this fear come from?

At the moment, I’m at a point in my life where I’ve been a couple of times before. I’m at the edge of redeeming success or brutal failure. And because I’m afraid of failure, that redeeming success seems impossible to reach…weird, right?

I’ve been going hard on the vertical farming dream, I’ve been working my ass off, following my guts and taking risk, all of this while still aiming at the basics of the basics: I just finally want to get a fucking income out of this. Since 4 years, noppes, nada, niente, no income from all the vf-work I’ve been doing.

The idea has always been that the return on investment will come…later, however, it bugs me and it scares me that I might never reach it.

So, on the edge of redeeming success or brutal failure, Zjef is scared as shit.

Yet in the end, is it all that important? Because I know that even if I fail this time, I’ll still be alive and I will have learned an enormous amount of things again.

Is that the answer to my fear? To convince myself that it’s not real and to keep on doing things until the fear is over? I dunno, I can pull out a lot of old and proven wisdom from Gandhi to Eckhart Tolle, from Jezus to Paulo Coelho,  and give an answer to that question.

But Goddamn…

At this moment I just want someone to hold my hand and take me to Disneyland.

7dc84b6d7eec753e15693b27a8c9752a

4 thoughts on “I’m scared as fucking shit

    1. I’d say I’m afraid of letting myself down again and the social shame I’ll feel towards my social circle. In the end, it kind of makes sense that this scares the shit out of me. 10.000 years ago, that social shame could make you be thrown out of the group, which meant death for sure.

      But indeed. Bucking up and going forward!

      Have you ever been scared of something like that Loius?

  1. Indeed I have – and my problem was for my terrifying than failing at a business or overreaching. I would like to elaborate, as transparency is my preference, but its a very delicate subject. I can say, however, that the situation caused me to analyze and comprehend what constitutes quality of character, and led me to develop true integrity.

  2. Hang on there, Zjef. Vertical farming is on the eve of breaking through, and you are in the middle of it!
    Keep up the good work.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s