Originally posted on November 5 2013 at http://averticalfarmstory.blogspot.be
What you are about to read is one of the hardest things I had to write down in my entire life. To be honest, there are still a lot of thoughts and feelings that are confusing me, but as I am starting this story all over again for the 15th time (seriously, the 15th time), I am now absolutely certain that this will be my last try (and yes, I did say this the last 5 times too).
The past months I have been swinging between moods when I thought back on my time in Switzerland. Sometimes my feelings were neutral and logical, sometimes I felt a lot of anger and sometimes I would think back with joy. So, while I was having a lot of temper-changes, I wrote pages and pages about why I’ve returned from Switzerland after 7 months without achieving anything tangible. All of the stories combined would have made a semi-interesting book, and that book would have given you a quite accurate description. But what’s the point in making you read all that if the most important thing to understand is this: I fucked up and nothing can change that.
I went to Switzerland to work with Patrick Rota, a fantastic friend and person! Honestly, the things he did for me were quite amazing and he did all of them, knowing that I would never be able to pay him back. Damn, the guy basically gave me the opportunity to follow my dream… Of course, I still encountered many difficult roadblocks, had some long moments of extreme loneliness and almost completely lost my self esteem, but nothing can ever justify the things I did to Pat.
“Be the change you want to see in this world”, for months it was my facebook banner, I even tattooed my personal version of it (“Be Change”) on my arm so that I would never ever forget…yet, even when this message was in my face all the time, I became this fool:
A truly good man is not aware of his goodness,
And is therefore good.
A foolish man tries to be good,
And is therefore not good.
(Laotse – Tao te King, Thirty-eight)
All of you are probably wondering what I did wrong and what I specifically did to fuck it all up to the point where I had burned all my bridges and felt so defeated that I had to return to Belgium. Yet, there’s basically only one thing that’s really the cause of all of it: In order to reach my goals, I ceased being honest. And that’s the worst thing one can do to any friend!